Out of touch

I haven't posted in a long time due to having the saddest two weeks of my life. Last week, my father died from Lymphoma.


(yes, a moment to assimilate that information)


It still hurts more than anythng I've ever known every time I think about being completely unable to see or talk to my dad ever again. I keep having the futile thoughts so many do about wishing to have spent more time with him, etc. It just seems one day he was doing okay, and the next he was hospitalized and incoherent, then he was just....gone.

I KNEW he had no time left, or very little. But, still I let myself believe he had a few months.....he lived less than a month after his diagnosis.

And, yes, there is no blame to be placed, medicine is far from precise in most cases and my dad just wanted to be as free as he could his last few weeks here.

I am thankful for a few small things: the things I learned about my father and his earlier life have been wonderful, and that my dad had two or three really good people still in his life til the end (that cared enough to come to his wake/funeral). Still, the knowledge is bittersweet--going through all of my dad's things has been traumatic to some degree (for one, my horrible family insisted we look though his papers the same day he died, when all I wanted to do was curl up and try to remember how to breathe again). I learned about his goals, his jobs, and his dreams of betterment that never reached fruition. It seems to me he always tried so HARD, he just never quite.....lucky/smart/good/something enough. But, as wacky as it sounds, it was good to know that he DID dream and plan for a happy life. It just tears my heart out to realize his dreams faded or were lost along the way.


I didn't intend to be depressing in sharing this news, but I suppose it's just hard to be upbeat right now. It's been one week, and everyone around me has already moved on to their lives. Yes, this is what is supposed to happen! I know...I really feel like I'm the only person who misses him still.

That last thought is selfish/self absorbed. My dad had siblings and a living mother--I know his death has caused them pain also. Lots of it. The saddest part of all of this really comes down to my family's complete lack of knowledge of how to ban together during tough times. I felt more alone surrounded by people last weekend, during the funeral, than ever before.

Maybe I'm just more like my dad than I realize--he was rebellious and a loner up until the very end. He was never comfortable dealing with social dynamics and the like. There is this part of me that wonders about the rituals surrounding death after the whole experience. I wanted nothing more than peace and some alone time to come to terms with my grief, to remember all the good times I had with my dad with close friends when and if I chose. But the funeral and wake were full of people I neither knew or was close to (besides two close friends of mine who I thank wholeheartedly). It bothered me to have to play the social role of introductions and such during such a difficult period.


But, I know life goes on. My dad would certainly want it to go on for me. He would still want me to finally complete college and get a good life. He would want me to overcome all of those obstacles he never quite could. I miss my dad very very much.

And I can never forget how much he taught me, including that stubborn Hudson attitude. Daddy, I promise to make you proud and nothing can stand in our way. I miss you. So much.