Today is the first step to rediscovering what happiness is truly about. I've made some huge changes over the last couple of days in an all-out attempt to regain my emotional well-being.
I'm not exactly happy right now, but I am hopeful. I do feel ashamed of my own lack of control over my life and the health of my mind, but I am proud I've finally chosen a new path.
I don't think it will be easy. I am losing many footholds--job, school, friends even, but I believe the loss of such things now will be worth the payoff in the long run.
It is still very scary.... I can do it...right?
I have to, and that's all there is to write.
Thursday, September 21, 2006
Tuesday, September 19, 2006
What does one do?
What do you do when the life you lead is so empty you want to let it go?
What do you do to forget all the bad things?
How do you overcome the urge to sleep all day, all night....always?
What do you do when driving all night to somewhere new for no reason seems like the best idea?
What do you do when the only person you've every REALLY loved is dead?
How do you find happiness when your mind is a broken thing, emotionally weighted by its own chemical output?
What do you do when you are making a decision that you KNOW you will regret later...only if you choose differently now, you WILL lose your mind?
No answers.....
What do you do to forget all the bad things?
How do you overcome the urge to sleep all day, all night....always?
What do you do when driving all night to somewhere new for no reason seems like the best idea?
What do you do when the only person you've every REALLY loved is dead?
How do you find happiness when your mind is a broken thing, emotionally weighted by its own chemical output?
What do you do when you are making a decision that you KNOW you will regret later...only if you choose differently now, you WILL lose your mind?
No answers.....
Thursday, September 14, 2006
Public Speaking
Just got back the results of that technology presentation I did.
I was right, the very professional and polished presentation about the same thing I presented DID make me look terrible and stupid.
Does it really make a difference that I KNEW all of the information about the Entertaible?
I guess not. I always have been a terrible public speaker. I forget what I'm supposed to say so easily. I guess I will just have to cave next time and write out a powerpoint presentation to READ to the class. Powerpoint is a poor public speakers best friend I suppose. If I can't talk well, I can at least present nice slides...(sigh)
and I thought sharing my ideas for the usefulness and future of the product was a good idea....wow, I'm so off base lately. Must be genetic...
I was right, the very professional and polished presentation about the same thing I presented DID make me look terrible and stupid.
Does it really make a difference that I KNEW all of the information about the Entertaible?
I guess not. I always have been a terrible public speaker. I forget what I'm supposed to say so easily. I guess I will just have to cave next time and write out a powerpoint presentation to READ to the class. Powerpoint is a poor public speakers best friend I suppose. If I can't talk well, I can at least present nice slides...(sigh)
and I thought sharing my ideas for the usefulness and future of the product was a good idea....wow, I'm so off base lately. Must be genetic...
Temporary...Sanity?
I don't usually blog about my personal life with E, but things have been very difficult lately. I've decided we just should not be together. The whys and such are numerous and complicated (as with all relationships, right?).
But, we have a problem. We leased an apartment together. A great one-bedroom apartment. And now one of us has to go, and it looks like me, at least temporarily.
(sigh) I love that apartment. But it comes down to several factors: Neither Eric or myself has family that is willing to take us in (or that we are willing to go to). But, I have one or two more friends than E. So...yep, I've packed a suitcase and computer and I'm out of there.
On the plus side? He only needs a place until the end of the semester (December-ish). So, I can have the apartment back later.
I know, it's weird. And sure, I could try to be just a roommate....but, ..ah, no. I guess E and I just have too much history and messy emotions involved for that.
Am I making the right choice by leaving?? I want to do the right thing, but I don't know that I will be okay living from friend to friend for three months. But, I keep feeling bad for him, because I DO have that option, and he doesn't.
(sigh)
But, we have a problem. We leased an apartment together. A great one-bedroom apartment. And now one of us has to go, and it looks like me, at least temporarily.
(sigh) I love that apartment. But it comes down to several factors: Neither Eric or myself has family that is willing to take us in (or that we are willing to go to). But, I have one or two more friends than E. So...yep, I've packed a suitcase and computer and I'm out of there.
On the plus side? He only needs a place until the end of the semester (December-ish). So, I can have the apartment back later.
I know, it's weird. And sure, I could try to be just a roommate....but, ..ah, no. I guess E and I just have too much history and messy emotions involved for that.
Am I making the right choice by leaving?? I want to do the right thing, but I don't know that I will be okay living from friend to friend for three months. But, I keep feeling bad for him, because I DO have that option, and he doesn't.
(sigh)
Tuesday, September 12, 2006
I'm Bored. Where's the Challenge...?
I've just come from my first 400-level ethics exam and all I can say is: "that's it?"
The class was allowed a page of notes (which, by the way, I did not need) for a relatively small amount of information. And,the test was very simple. I have to admit there were two or three questions I was unsure of because I've missed two classes already this semester and the material was not in the assigned reading.
But, I made the most educated guess from what I knew of the philosophies I had studied.
******************************************************************************
I know it may seem dumb to some students, but I feel cheated. Like I'm just not getting my money's worth in college. I took classes last semester which were presumably difficult, however I missed at least a third of Comm. Research and still made an A. All I had to do was memorize silly handouts from the professor. There was a research paper, and I used a very helpful book from the library to write it (along with required sources)--but it was not difficult. And it's the same for many of the classes I've taken here at USA. (Exept for German, I guess it really does take a lot of work to learn foreign languages). I have even dropped a class because it bored me so much (I would never do this if I didn't have financial aid, I admit.)
Where is the challenge that is supposed to come with college? Maybe it's because I've chosen an "easy" major?? I don't know. I LIKE technology--I just wish I'd learn something new (besides TV production, which seems to be mostly about timing, not technology).
It's the strangest thing to know that if I majored in engineering or physics I would not do so well--I'd study and study for a B because mathematics are somewhat difficult for me.
Do I seem ......arrogant? Complaining about how easy an A is for me sometimes? I don't mean it that way--I'm just tired of being bored.
The class was allowed a page of notes (which, by the way, I did not need) for a relatively small amount of information. And,the test was very simple. I have to admit there were two or three questions I was unsure of because I've missed two classes already this semester and the material was not in the assigned reading.
But, I made the most educated guess from what I knew of the philosophies I had studied.
******************************************************************************
I know it may seem dumb to some students, but I feel cheated. Like I'm just not getting my money's worth in college. I took classes last semester which were presumably difficult, however I missed at least a third of Comm. Research and still made an A. All I had to do was memorize silly handouts from the professor. There was a research paper, and I used a very helpful book from the library to write it (along with required sources)--but it was not difficult. And it's the same for many of the classes I've taken here at USA. (Exept for German, I guess it really does take a lot of work to learn foreign languages). I have even dropped a class because it bored me so much (I would never do this if I didn't have financial aid, I admit.)
Where is the challenge that is supposed to come with college? Maybe it's because I've chosen an "easy" major?? I don't know. I LIKE technology--I just wish I'd learn something new (besides TV production, which seems to be mostly about timing, not technology).
It's the strangest thing to know that if I majored in engineering or physics I would not do so well--I'd study and study for a B because mathematics are somewhat difficult for me.
Do I seem ......arrogant? Complaining about how easy an A is for me sometimes? I don't mean it that way--I'm just tired of being bored.
Thursday, September 07, 2006
News...or not
Not much has happened this week that can be considered "shareable". I'm a bit nervous about my CA 260 presentation, but not much. I am relieved to just get it over with and move on to dealing with other things.
I posted a lot last week, so it's my week for writing in small amounts I guess.
More later...
I posted a lot last week, so it's my week for writing in small amounts I guess.
More later...
Friday, September 01, 2006
Shantaram
Violent, philosophical, unlawful, heartbreaking, bloody, and absolutely beautiful.
Those words describe Shantaram, a book by (and about) Gregory David Roberts.
I don't often feel compelled to write about what I read. I tend to stick to "reading for fun" books involving kooky main characters and lilting plots. However, Robert's book drew me in so completely I feel the need to share the experience somehow.
I don't want necessarily to talk about the story of the book. I believe someone really must read the book in its entirely to fully comprehend the power of the words. But it is NOT a book for the fainthearted. It's huge and full of an amazing mix of violence and philosophy.
I will say this: Roberts is a criminal in the book. Yet...and yet...he is eloquent and strangely insiteful about human nature and his own heart and mind. He sees ...the beauty of this complicated, messy thing called humankind.
I know I don't have the words to describe more. I've never been one much for a good "descriptive" essay.
Shantaram is simply so poetic I feel compelled to write about MY feelings for it.
But, the novel is so much more than the sum of it's parts. Pull it apart and you'd have a story of an escaped convict, slum fires, Bombay heat, and a myriad of people...so much more. Put it together, and it's like a river full of currents both fast and slow, both hurtful and helpful and forever intertwined with all the waters of the world through its own ebb and flow.
Those words describe Shantaram, a book by (and about) Gregory David Roberts.
I don't often feel compelled to write about what I read. I tend to stick to "reading for fun" books involving kooky main characters and lilting plots. However, Robert's book drew me in so completely I feel the need to share the experience somehow.
I don't want necessarily to talk about the story of the book. I believe someone really must read the book in its entirely to fully comprehend the power of the words. But it is NOT a book for the fainthearted. It's huge and full of an amazing mix of violence and philosophy.
I will say this: Roberts is a criminal in the book. Yet...and yet...he is eloquent and strangely insiteful about human nature and his own heart and mind. He sees ...the beauty of this complicated, messy thing called humankind.
I know I don't have the words to describe more. I've never been one much for a good "descriptive" essay.
Shantaram is simply so poetic I feel compelled to write about MY feelings for it.
But, the novel is so much more than the sum of it's parts. Pull it apart and you'd have a story of an escaped convict, slum fires, Bombay heat, and a myriad of people...so much more. Put it together, and it's like a river full of currents both fast and slow, both hurtful and helpful and forever intertwined with all the waters of the world through its own ebb and flow.
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