Denver is HUGE

I went to Denver over my Thanksgiving holidays and saw a million different things. There were huge malls, beautiful nature trails, the coolest museum and planetarium ever, and tons of awesome restaurants. There were also my friends' pets: 2 dogs, a rabbit, a rat, and a cute little mouse!

I've done and seen so much in the last week my brain is still in overload. But I sure had fun.

And, oh yeah, I got to visit the Stanley Hotel, which is the place "The Shining" was filmed--and FYI it is considered one of the most haunted hotels out there!

All in all, Denver is enormous and while I am not so sure I'd live there it sure is a great place to vacation. There wasn't a single dull moment.

And since it occurs to me: there was a bowling alley that was as much a cool retro-modern club/bar as a bowling alley, each bowling lane complete with it's own HUGE video screen above the pins! Bizarre and fun.

Hope everyone else had a great holiday!

Positive Step 1

Jumping accomplished. (grin)

Binge

I am happy living here with K and D right now. I am in a safe and loving environment. Granted, I am kind of lost in life right now--due to personal issues I have lost my financial aid for college and I only have a part time measly job. But, those are small hurdles. I know I can find better work and a way to restore my financial aid (or at least find some way to complete my degree).

I'm prompted to write tonight because I've just experienced something I don't understand: binge eating.

Binging is so gross...and it's the entire reason I'm overweight. AND I KNOW it's as much a psychological and neurological issue as it is a moral one. I know all about the seratonin receptors in the stomach...blah blah blah. But knowing all of that doesn't make the absolute need to eat go away.

I can go days or even weeks without an episode like the one I had tonight (though I freely admit I tend to nearly always eat too much).

I've tried talking to my doctor about this--except it doesn't work at all. I don't have health insurance and therefore rely on the public health department for medical attention. I can tell you with no reservation that private doctors are much better listeners than public ones---don't get me wrong now, Dr. E is a very very good doctor and does all he can to help his patients but there is just no time to listen to a person when dozens of others are waiting their turns.

After the breakoff with Eric, I was placed on Zoloft for depression when I broke down in the doctor's office (with the nurses because Dr. E left the room as though I was not upset at all). I stopped taking it after about a month because it made me sleep all the time. I did notice after the first couple of weeks my appetite was more normal than it had ever been.

Then on the followup visit I was placed on Lexapro--I took it for only a couple of days because any time I ate even a small amount it made me nauseous. Ew.

I don't like the idea of a pill to fix my brain. But, then I also don't like the fact that I weigh twice what I should and feel bad because of it.

And, I can HONESTLY say it is 99% about FEELING good not looking good when I say I need to lose weight. I feel awesome at around 160 or 165--a weight still on the very heavy side for someone my height. At nearly 200 I just feel .....well, yuck.

And, I don't consider myself one of those icky lazy people. I keep an immaculate house, don't take breaks most of the time at work, I walk quickly everywhere I go. But...BUT I don't get out and exercise enough, I know that.

I feel like I'm making excuses for myself--if I say I'm going to walk I say I can't because of (fill in blank); pilates? the dvd is boring or I ate just a bit ago or I'm tired. Bah!

This is going nowhere.

But I keep remembering CA when I had that awesome doctor to push me and put me on new diabetes meds and the awesome aerobic workouts on TV every morning at 7 a.m. and how I got in shape because I wanted to feel good. And, I did, and I felt great. (sigh)

But I'm sitting on my butt in this uncomfortable chair for about the 6th hour today----think I'll play loud music and jump around. Maybe Green Day?? empty house too heh....

More Muppets

I couldn't help but retake the muppet quiz--I was so hyper and silly the other day I gave answers that probably weren't really like me.

You Are Scooter

Brainy and knowledgable, you are the perfect sidekick. You're always willing to lend a helping hand. In any big event or party, you're the one who keeps things going. "15 seconds to showtime!"

The Muppet Personality Test

That seems more accurate...maybe.

Insanity

Life's been good since I left Eric. I have no one making demands of me or my time; I don't fear physical confrontation during a verbal argument; I've found work I enjoy even if it doesn't pay so well; and I am regaining my sanity by realizing he was the one with a problem not me.

My only problem was staying with him for so long.

And, I am writing this entry right now because I just had the following thought: "Maybe I should contact him..."

I almost choked on the thought because as soon as I thought it I had this mental image of an alcoholic reaching for the cough syrup--it's a bad idea to be anything but completely alcohol free, or in my case Eric free. Because one step in the wrong direction leads a person back to the darkest place they have known--with addiction it is all or nothing.

I refuse to allow even so much as an email pass between Eric and myself. I have blocked his emails, changed my phone number and even closed an account we shared because I was afraid he might (even as a small a "might" as it is) get access to my personal information.

Like an alcoholic, I don't trust the smallest sip/contact. The lure of love, acceptance, and a cure for loneliness is just too tempting. And, I know from direct experience I don't want to pay the price Eric will cost me. I'm still paying for the previous year in my own fear and tears and anger.

But, no this is not a tirade of pity or madness or any such thing (though I can be prone to such things) this is a pep talk to myself placed out there for others to see and read. Because I know I am better than an unhappy and emotionally and physically abusive relationship. I know that I am HUMAN not broken and in need of all the fixing Eric convinced me I needed.

I can make my heart, mind, and soul whole again on my own (with a little help from the powers that be, whoever they are...)

The rest will take care of itself...

Erm...Gonzo!

I thought it would be fun and suitable given my crazy mood today to post my results from a quiz that Helen presented via her blog. See below...

You Are Gonzo the Great

"Is something burning in here? Oh, it's just me." You're a total nutball who will do anything for attention. The first to take a dare, you'll pull almost any stunt. You're one weird looking creature, but your chickens don't mind!

The Muppet Personality Test

That's SO not me--Me? take a dare? I'm such a wuss....but it's still funny AND I really like Gonzo--he's a bit psychotic like I've been today!

Dawn of a New Era...

Today is the first step to rediscovering what happiness is truly about. I've made some huge changes over the last couple of days in an all-out attempt to regain my emotional well-being.

I'm not exactly happy right now, but I am hopeful. I do feel ashamed of my own lack of control over my life and the health of my mind, but I am proud I've finally chosen a new path.

I don't think it will be easy. I am losing many footholds--job, school, friends even, but I believe the loss of such things now will be worth the payoff in the long run.

It is still very scary.... I can do it...right?

I have to, and that's all there is to write.

What does one do?

What do you do when the life you lead is so empty you want to let it go?

What do you do to forget all the bad things?

How do you overcome the urge to sleep all day, all night....always?

What do you do when driving all night to somewhere new for no reason seems like the best idea?

What do you do when the only person you've every REALLY loved is dead?

How do you find happiness when your mind is a broken thing, emotionally weighted by its own chemical output?

What do you do when you are making a decision that you KNOW you will regret later...only if you choose differently now, you WILL lose your mind?

No answers.....

Public Speaking

Just got back the results of that technology presentation I did.

I was right, the very professional and polished presentation about the same thing I presented DID make me look terrible and stupid.

Does it really make a difference that I KNEW all of the information about the Entertaible?

I guess not. I always have been a terrible public speaker. I forget what I'm supposed to say so easily. I guess I will just have to cave next time and write out a powerpoint presentation to READ to the class. Powerpoint is a poor public speakers best friend I suppose. If I can't talk well, I can at least present nice slides...(sigh)

and I thought sharing my ideas for the usefulness and future of the product was a good idea....wow, I'm so off base lately. Must be genetic...

Temporary...Sanity?

I don't usually blog about my personal life with E, but things have been very difficult lately. I've decided we just should not be together. The whys and such are numerous and complicated (as with all relationships, right?).

But, we have a problem. We leased an apartment together. A great one-bedroom apartment. And now one of us has to go, and it looks like me, at least temporarily.

(sigh) I love that apartment. But it comes down to several factors: Neither Eric or myself has family that is willing to take us in (or that we are willing to go to). But, I have one or two more friends than E. So...yep, I've packed a suitcase and computer and I'm out of there.

On the plus side? He only needs a place until the end of the semester (December-ish). So, I can have the apartment back later.

I know, it's weird. And sure, I could try to be just a roommate....but, ..ah, no. I guess E and I just have too much history and messy emotions involved for that.

Am I making the right choice by leaving?? I want to do the right thing, but I don't know that I will be okay living from friend to friend for three months. But, I keep feeling bad for him, because I DO have that option, and he doesn't.

(sigh)

I'm Bored. Where's the Challenge...?

I've just come from my first 400-level ethics exam and all I can say is: "that's it?"

The class was allowed a page of notes (which, by the way, I did not need) for a relatively small amount of information. And,the test was very simple. I have to admit there were two or three questions I was unsure of because I've missed two classes already this semester and the material was not in the assigned reading.

But, I made the most educated guess from what I knew of the philosophies I had studied.

******************************************************************************

I know it may seem dumb to some students, but I feel cheated. Like I'm just not getting my money's worth in college. I took classes last semester which were presumably difficult, however I missed at least a third of Comm. Research and still made an A. All I had to do was memorize silly handouts from the professor. There was a research paper, and I used a very helpful book from the library to write it (along with required sources)--but it was not difficult. And it's the same for many of the classes I've taken here at USA. (Exept for German, I guess it really does take a lot of work to learn foreign languages). I have even dropped a class because it bored me so much (I would never do this if I didn't have financial aid, I admit.)

Where is the challenge that is supposed to come with college? Maybe it's because I've chosen an "easy" major?? I don't know. I LIKE technology--I just wish I'd learn something new (besides TV production, which seems to be mostly about timing, not technology).

It's the strangest thing to know that if I majored in engineering or physics I would not do so well--I'd study and study for a B because mathematics are somewhat difficult for me.

Do I seem ......arrogant? Complaining about how easy an A is for me sometimes? I don't mean it that way--I'm just tired of being bored.

News...or not

Not much has happened this week that can be considered "shareable". I'm a bit nervous about my CA 260 presentation, but not much. I am relieved to just get it over with and move on to dealing with other things.

I posted a lot last week, so it's my week for writing in small amounts I guess.

More later...

Shantaram

Violent, philosophical, unlawful, heartbreaking, bloody, and absolutely beautiful.

Those words describe Shantaram, a book by (and about) Gregory David Roberts.

I don't often feel compelled to write about what I read. I tend to stick to "reading for fun" books involving kooky main characters and lilting plots. However, Robert's book drew me in so completely I feel the need to share the experience somehow.

I don't want necessarily to talk about the story of the book. I believe someone really must read the book in its entirely to fully comprehend the power of the words. But it is NOT a book for the fainthearted. It's huge and full of an amazing mix of violence and philosophy.

I will say this: Roberts is a criminal in the book. Yet...and yet...he is eloquent and strangely insiteful about human nature and his own heart and mind. He sees ...the beauty of this complicated, messy thing called humankind.

I know I don't have the words to describe more. I've never been one much for a good "descriptive" essay.

Shantaram is simply so poetic I feel compelled to write about MY feelings for it.

But, the novel is so much more than the sum of it's parts. Pull it apart and you'd have a story of an escaped convict, slum fires, Bombay heat, and a myriad of people...so much more. Put it together, and it's like a river full of currents both fast and slow, both hurtful and helpful and forever intertwined with all the waters of the world through its own ebb and flow.

A Second Job

It's official, I've been hired by the Educational Talent Search as a tutor. I signed the paperwork this afternoon.

I feel...ambivilant...and strangely expectant. I hope to find more satisfaction in the work with ETS than I've so far found in the library. I think I have stayed at the library mostly because it's easy (translate: non-stressful) and very very flexible. And, I like the people I work around very much. But the work? Boring.

***********************************

I recently stressed out completely about the TV production class I'm taking this semester. I nearly dropped it, but Dr. Rockwell talked me back into class.

It's strange to me, this feeling that enters my life every few months (or is it days?). When I get settled in life, I start to feel like something is missing, bored maybe and/or like I'm missing out on something. But I think I had an epiphinany today: If I'm so bored, why am I so afraid to challenge myself (i.e. to take aforementioned production class)?

I think asking myself this question has been the deciding factor in keeping the class. Though being literally in the director's seat or on camera frighten me, these "terrifying" experiences will help me feel alive.

If I can't find meaning I suppose I hope most to find feeling.

This unreality...

Yesterday was the two month...what do I call it? anniversary--that seems too cheery...?

My father passed away two months ago yesterday. This time has been very up and down for me. Moving in with E, starting classes, getting to see old friends again--these have all been positive "moving-forward" things. But, then there are those reminders: passing my dad's phone number in my cell phone, seeing a car like his, answering that post-summer inquiry everyone wants to ask at the beginning of every fall semester ("How was your summer?"). And sleeping...well, it's hard getting to sleep most nights and hard waking up most mornings.


I can only hope my father has found some peace. His was a difficult life. I know he never had the love of good parents (nor did his siblings). I feel as though he was raised by a very selfish mother. And yet...although very unconventionally speaking, I feel he was the least selfish person I ever knew. I know he gave up everything to raise my sister and me.

Note to any readers...

That last post (Week 1) is the beginning of my class-assigned bi-weekly blog update. It's just easier to continue this blog than to start a new one. Besides, I probably need to start updating more often anyway.

Guten Tag!

Week 1: Back to Class

It's been a whirlwind of interesting and boring classes, and energetic and mellow professors these last three days.

I've had to drop a class for lack of student enrollment. This negative turns into a positive however with the opportunity to tutor with the Educational Talent Search program at USA. Having Tuesday, Wednesday, and Thursday mornings free will allow me a better paying job (so long as my interview goes well tomorrow morning).

This second year of German has it's pluses and minuses also. I REALLY miss Professor Roddy's sense of humor and theatrics. BUT, Professor Jones, though dry, has a much more understandable teaching style. He's just not as....fun. :( But, hey, I think I can take Roddy in the Spring. AND, Jones is extremely nice in the meantime.

I am lucky enough to have energetic and sociable communications professors this semester (though, Ethics may prove snoresome). TV production scares me--finding actors and interview-ees may be very difficult. However, I feel ...up to the challenge so to speak. Both excited and nervous...

Well, more news after my interview with ETS. If they hire me I'll be tutoring at the same high school I graduated from back in 1999!! (Yeesh, I'm getting old!)

Updating

I can't believe it's been nearly two months...NO, more than two months since I've posted. I am glad to say that life has moved along. I've moved in with E--we found an amazing apartment right by USA campus. He's found a great job (well, great paying at least) and I'm looking forward to next week.

Classes start on Monday so I MAY have more interesting and fun things to talk about then. I know I'm super excited. :)

I'm looking forward to a new start, and, hopefully, some fun challenges in senior level classes. Ooh, but intermediate German frightens me, eek! (laughs)

More next week perhaps...

Out of touch

I haven't posted in a long time due to having the saddest two weeks of my life. Last week, my father died from Lymphoma.


(yes, a moment to assimilate that information)


It still hurts more than anythng I've ever known every time I think about being completely unable to see or talk to my dad ever again. I keep having the futile thoughts so many do about wishing to have spent more time with him, etc. It just seems one day he was doing okay, and the next he was hospitalized and incoherent, then he was just....gone.

I KNEW he had no time left, or very little. But, still I let myself believe he had a few months.....he lived less than a month after his diagnosis.

And, yes, there is no blame to be placed, medicine is far from precise in most cases and my dad just wanted to be as free as he could his last few weeks here.

I am thankful for a few small things: the things I learned about my father and his earlier life have been wonderful, and that my dad had two or three really good people still in his life til the end (that cared enough to come to his wake/funeral). Still, the knowledge is bittersweet--going through all of my dad's things has been traumatic to some degree (for one, my horrible family insisted we look though his papers the same day he died, when all I wanted to do was curl up and try to remember how to breathe again). I learned about his goals, his jobs, and his dreams of betterment that never reached fruition. It seems to me he always tried so HARD, he just never quite.....lucky/smart/good/something enough. But, as wacky as it sounds, it was good to know that he DID dream and plan for a happy life. It just tears my heart out to realize his dreams faded or were lost along the way.


I didn't intend to be depressing in sharing this news, but I suppose it's just hard to be upbeat right now. It's been one week, and everyone around me has already moved on to their lives. Yes, this is what is supposed to happen! I know...I really feel like I'm the only person who misses him still.

That last thought is selfish/self absorbed. My dad had siblings and a living mother--I know his death has caused them pain also. Lots of it. The saddest part of all of this really comes down to my family's complete lack of knowledge of how to ban together during tough times. I felt more alone surrounded by people last weekend, during the funeral, than ever before.

Maybe I'm just more like my dad than I realize--he was rebellious and a loner up until the very end. He was never comfortable dealing with social dynamics and the like. There is this part of me that wonders about the rituals surrounding death after the whole experience. I wanted nothing more than peace and some alone time to come to terms with my grief, to remember all the good times I had with my dad with close friends when and if I chose. But the funeral and wake were full of people I neither knew or was close to (besides two close friends of mine who I thank wholeheartedly). It bothered me to have to play the social role of introductions and such during such a difficult period.


But, I know life goes on. My dad would certainly want it to go on for me. He would still want me to finally complete college and get a good life. He would want me to overcome all of those obstacles he never quite could. I miss my dad very very much.

And I can never forget how much he taught me, including that stubborn Hudson attitude. Daddy, I promise to make you proud and nothing can stand in our way. I miss you. So much.

Sleepy...

I just felt the need to publicly announce how freakin' tired I am today. Oh, the joy of the end of the work day (still so far away at this early hour). I can't wait to snuggle up in bed and take a nap!

:)

Reply to Helen:

I'll try to keep in touch. I have to admit I've kept up with your blog forever! heh

Lately though I wanted to let you know I'm still around, especially because of how sad you've been and b/c of losing your dad.

I hope it's not selfish to say so, but I think my finally leaving a comment has a lot to do with news I got about my own dad recently. A few weeks ago, he was diagnosed with stage 4 Lymphoma...so I really feel like I can understand, kind of at least, what you were/are going through.

Seeing how positive you've remained through it all (even with depression!) has been so uplifting. So, I guess I want to say thanks. :)

But, hey enough sappy stuff. I'll keep peeking in on you, and I'll try to update my own blog more often.


Steph

I want Lurkers!

So, I nearly always read Helen Erpud's blog (I even have a link to her blog up on my google home page--which is very cool BTW). I admire her ability to keep her sense of humor and strength in even the most difficult of situations. And, trust me, she's had very difficult news to deal with lately...

But, I mention this mostly because of her recent blog about a lurker (someone reading without leaving comments) to her blog from Kansas. She was asking who was from Kansas and that her best guess was that the lurker was me (AKA Super Steph). Well, I couldn't lurk anymore after that. I had to tell her I'm not in Kansas, but home in Mobile. (Funny anecdote about this city name in a minute). I'm just glad that she knows that I do keep track of her, in spite of how long it's been since we have talked or seen each other. It's just that we both are finishing our educations and live so far apart....etc, etc...

In short, it feels good to know that someone I like so much as a friend remembers me! AND, she knows I haven't forgotten her either. Heh. Maybe I am just a dork but it's true.

So, Mobile story....

Phone call to random customer service-type person:

CSR: "Could you verify your address for me?"
ME: "Sure. It's [blah, blah, blah]."
CSR: "What city?"
ME: "Mobile, Alabama" And, we southerners say it Moe-bill.
CSR: "Excuse me, what city?"
ME: (spelling it out for clarity) M-O-B-I-L-E
CSR: "Ohh, Mobile! Okay..." (He pronounces it Moe-Bile. As in a mobile hanging over a baby's crib, from the ceiling. Or, as in moveable object, you get the picture)
ME: "Well, yeah it's spelled like mobile, we southerners just do things a little differently than most other people."

At this point, I felt ever so slightly embarrassed by my heritage, but I got over it pretty quickly. People here are nice, and this is my home town so I'm a little biased.


Oh, and as for this blog title--I wouldn't mind a random reader or two. Just no creepy type stalker-like folks.

It's been a while...

I haven't posted simply because there has not been much to talk about. I've been working lots lately and just making it day to day.

I am superexcited about getting to see X-men: The Last Stand this weekend. I think I'll go to Da Vinci Code and X-men on the same day. I wish WISH I could go tonight, but think the crowds may overwhelm even me at my bravest.

I have to send out a big Thanks to Patrick for helping with car stuff (and more) over the last couple of days. I've had to get some work done on my car and his advice has been very helpful. I don't like spending $200 more on my car, but it beats having no car or spending even more.

Well, that's all for now. Yay the start of a three-day weekend, starting 5 p.m. today!

Cabinets of happiness

I feel like such a dork saying so, but I bought a cabinet at Target last night and am really happy to have it!

It is one of those white plastic-covered particle board, put-it-together-yourself kind of things, but was a fun little project to work on while watching TV. It seems to make my room look nicer somehow. :)

I've decided I'm the handy-man..er, woman of my relationship with E too. But it was fun teaching him how to hammer nails and such.

I'm trying to focus on this small happy thing in life, because work has been a bit...hmm, dragsome isn't a word, but hell, it's my blog. I guess today on the job hasn't been bad however. I've worked on a couple of new "filing" projects and learned about the Russian artist we're showcasing next week. Not to mention the 70...SEVENTY!...paintings I will have to help put up on Monday! Geez, guess this artsy guy doesn't get the word "moderation". Heh. But, still it will be different and interesting, if not "fun".

If anyone reads and is in the area the Russian artist is having a thing at the USA library next Monday, at 5:30 p.m. I'm sorry, I do not know the name.

Enough for now.

Weekends are too short

I want to add an ammendment to the Constitution that states all weekends must be at least three days long!!!

Back to work!

Feel like posting...

..but I have nothing much to say. It's been a very VERY long week--how do people work 40 hours or more every week and still keep a life of any kind?? I haven't the foggiest how they manage.

I hope I get used to this up early every day schedule soon. I guess the toughest part is trying to sleep when my roommates (who don't generally have to get up early) are up at all hours of the night. The entire week I've gotten less sleep than I need, due mostly to excessive noise. Okay, I'll grow a backbone and say it: due to THEIR excessive noise. But, I haven't said anything to them, so is it my fault? Most would say it was--but, every other request I have made of them, from pay the bills on time to keep the place cleaner, has been mostly pushed aside, if not outright ignored.

I know, I AM rather uptight. But it's my life, and I don't want the irresponsible natures of other people screwing up my peace of mind needlessly. I sleep so much better at night when things are neat, clean, and paid on time. I've been gone from the apartment over 24 hours, I can only hope that the trash in the floor and the literal mountain of dirty dishes (of which, I claim 1, count it ONE, glass, thank you--I was too disgusted with the mess to do more than rinse my glass and set it beside the sink) is gone.

After a week of too little sleep and a very messy apartment, I might just crack and yell at them. (It occurs to me I probably sent one of my roommates a link to this blog by accident--oh well, I'm just being honest!).

Oh, god, I'm such an old lady at heart. Or have a very bad case of OCD.

But, try this on for size--I lived with someone BEFORE moving in with my current roommates who I considered rather messy and all. And, ya know, I would go live with her again in a heartbeat compared to what I've seen over the last few months. She at least TRIES, she's just super super busy.

What can I do but type out my frustration when I know my roomies have part time work, PART TIME, and can't clean up after themselves!

And, it's very hypocritical of me to say this, I admit it, but, if A doesn't want to clean up after J, she should tell him so. Period. (yes, yes so should I, I just said I admit it, I'm a hypocrit, I confess).

And, I feel better after all that venting. So, whatever the outcome of the blog that no one reads, I at least FEEL better.

So....there.

Feeling useless but making money

I worry about E a lot lately. I see the support he has in the form of friends all around him at SHC, and can't help but feel as though my support is very minimal in comparison. I want to give him the words he needs, but they seem so cliche, so...fake. And, I don't want to lie to him or tell him something I don't believe in myself.

I suppose I'm glad he's at SHC for a few days, because there he can have those deep philisophical conversations in which I'm not quite qualified to participate and, sadly, I don't find such conversations useful or especially interesting. I can't just make myself like talking about things like that. I'm rather of the state of mind that what we can't see or experience directly is really of little use to me. I suppose I could call myself a tactile person--I am most interested in things I can touch, see, smell, and experience. I don't want to torment myself mentally with difficult conundrums of ethics or morality when I can experience life in a much more alive manner.

Don't get me wrong, I think such thinking is a necessary part of the human existence. I am grateful for people, such as E, that consider difficult questions, applying logic and morals appropriately. I am very glad people find joy in such an endeavor too. A life should be happy in every pursuit.

Intuition. I don't so much think about those questions E gives me, because I tend to go "by my gut", so to speak. "Why is incest wrong?" Because my gut says so. "Why are you agnostic?" Because religions so often leave me empty, I intuitively believe them all to be wrong (though, I must admit, logic speaks on my behalf against the truth of organized religion). But, you know, lack of religion is not necessarily a lack of faith--but, what I have most of all is hope in something beyond this reality, beyond this life.

I should go because I'm writing this at work. I'm now working in an additional section of the library--adminstration. It is full of that hated "red-tape" of bureaucracy of business, but the company is nice and the internet speedy.

Hope it's a great day for all. Sie haben ein gut Abend auch. (that is probably incorrect German, but hey,you have a good night also)

Personal Space

I am not a touchy-feely kind of person. I MAKE myself hug friends and relatives, etc--I am NOT naturally comfortable with such an act. (Don't NOT hug me because of this, please, I still love you!)

Maybe I feel this way because I spend so much time alone, or maybe because of the upbringing I had, I don't know. What I DO know is this--when someone enters my personal space "bubble" it REALLY bugs me!

I was in Blockbuster looking for a movie to rent and someone walked close to me, less than half my arm's length away (and I have short arms!). It makes me so uncomfortable! I understood that the person was looking for a movie, but come on!

Elevators I'm getting used to because I use them at work so much--but, when they are crowded I can just feel my heart rate speed up.

Even in my marriage, I was a "space-needing" person. I kept to my half of the bed, I didn't much snuggle during movies. I DID seem to do lots of hand-holding, very nice (smile).

So I have questions: Is it okay to be somewhat aloof, I suppose physically speaking? Is lots of space a bad thing? Does it mean I have issues with socialization? (shrug) I guess the standard answer is "do what makes you most comfortable". But, what about the comfort of others? Will my needs to have breathing room, lots and lots of it, hurt those close to me?

I hope not, but I can't see myself changing much over time. Though...when I spent time with my niece Alexis, my boundaries seemed to disappear temporarily. She's so amazingly cute!

Ah, well...stuff to think about then. Ciao.

Es ist Freitag!!

Thank goodness it is FINALLY friday...Weekend, here I come.

As of 3 o'clock today, I'm ready for movies, videogames, and shopping ONLY. Heh.

A Sad Day

I can imagine why someone would commit suicide at work rather than at home---at least in your office, someone would actually find you in a decent amount of time.

Is it only our American lifestyle that keep us so isolated from one another? We live alone, away from family, barely having a conversation on most days. We being the single and estranged-from-all-family group of lonely men and women.

I think many of those living alone are happy. But not all. Not all.

What about those alone not by choice but by force. Oh, there are lots of reasons--crippling shyness, too much work, etc. There are thousands, I'd imagine, that are invisible to us, for all intents and purposes.

Why is reserve of personality such a bad thing in American culture?

I don't talk much in crowds, or around new people. I have to know someone for a bit, or face a problem alongside a coworker or fellow student long before I ever pass more than a few words between us. AND, I've been told on more than one occasion that I seem stuck up or arrogant or that I thought myself better than others. All because I'm not the life of the party, so to speak.

I admire many of the foreign exchange students on campus. They are quiet, reserved, and full of personality. In America, it seems those things don't go together.

Maybe as a nation people here are too busy to see past the surface of a person and therein lies a great error. I think we are missing so much because we are all in such a hurry.

Okay, here's my disclaimer: I don't find "social" people to be a bad thing (Helen, I think you are the greatest btw!). I only wish "the shy people/the quiet people" could get a little attention too. Not in an embarrassing sort of way, just in a hello or the occasional invite to a movie by a coworker or classmate.


I leave with an explanation of what prompted my tirade here--please see Eric J. Herboso's site (link to your right). If Dr. Allin did commit suicide, I can, as Eric said, nearly understand why. I KNOW I understand the "where" part.

Dr. Allin's Spring Hill College web page: http://faculty.shc.edu/sallin/Index.htm

Another attempt to join the Blogging World

So, I've attempted this blog thing before only to realize I'm pretty darn boring. But, heck, I should maybe give it another try. The summer is here and I won't have pesky homework, just a normal old 40 hour work week. It's the first time in two years I'll have nights free to play video games and surf the net. I don't watch TV or I'd do that too.

So, with three months to get my life in shape I have formulated some goals, just now off the top of my head:

1. Start exercising. I think I'll start running the track at school--all by my little self (hrmph, ok, not so little).

2. READ! I plan to read so much fiction for the fun of--ooh boy, I'm so excited about it I can hardly wait.

3. Plan a trip to Tuscaloosa. I will be going to the University of Alabama to get my grad degree in just one more year (yay!) and I really want to see the town.

4. Oh, yeah, save $$$$ so I can make said trip.

5. Find another place to live. This is a tough one because my lease expires the end of July and I have decided I'm just not up to living with room mates any more. Problem: with no co-signer, how do I find a place I can apply? (ahem, for those that don't know, one must generally make 3 or 4 times the rent in income each month--I, making the wages of a student asst, even full-time, do NOT). Oh, well.

Well, that sounds good for now. Cheers and all that...