Insanity

Life's been good since I left Eric. I have no one making demands of me or my time; I don't fear physical confrontation during a verbal argument; I've found work I enjoy even if it doesn't pay so well; and I am regaining my sanity by realizing he was the one with a problem not me.

My only problem was staying with him for so long.

And, I am writing this entry right now because I just had the following thought: "Maybe I should contact him..."

I almost choked on the thought because as soon as I thought it I had this mental image of an alcoholic reaching for the cough syrup--it's a bad idea to be anything but completely alcohol free, or in my case Eric free. Because one step in the wrong direction leads a person back to the darkest place they have known--with addiction it is all or nothing.

I refuse to allow even so much as an email pass between Eric and myself. I have blocked his emails, changed my phone number and even closed an account we shared because I was afraid he might (even as a small a "might" as it is) get access to my personal information.

Like an alcoholic, I don't trust the smallest sip/contact. The lure of love, acceptance, and a cure for loneliness is just too tempting. And, I know from direct experience I don't want to pay the price Eric will cost me. I'm still paying for the previous year in my own fear and tears and anger.

But, no this is not a tirade of pity or madness or any such thing (though I can be prone to such things) this is a pep talk to myself placed out there for others to see and read. Because I know I am better than an unhappy and emotionally and physically abusive relationship. I know that I am HUMAN not broken and in need of all the fixing Eric convinced me I needed.

I can make my heart, mind, and soul whole again on my own (with a little help from the powers that be, whoever they are...)

The rest will take care of itself...