Binge

I am happy living here with K and D right now. I am in a safe and loving environment. Granted, I am kind of lost in life right now--due to personal issues I have lost my financial aid for college and I only have a part time measly job. But, those are small hurdles. I know I can find better work and a way to restore my financial aid (or at least find some way to complete my degree).

I'm prompted to write tonight because I've just experienced something I don't understand: binge eating.

Binging is so gross...and it's the entire reason I'm overweight. AND I KNOW it's as much a psychological and neurological issue as it is a moral one. I know all about the seratonin receptors in the stomach...blah blah blah. But knowing all of that doesn't make the absolute need to eat go away.

I can go days or even weeks without an episode like the one I had tonight (though I freely admit I tend to nearly always eat too much).

I've tried talking to my doctor about this--except it doesn't work at all. I don't have health insurance and therefore rely on the public health department for medical attention. I can tell you with no reservation that private doctors are much better listeners than public ones---don't get me wrong now, Dr. E is a very very good doctor and does all he can to help his patients but there is just no time to listen to a person when dozens of others are waiting their turns.

After the breakoff with Eric, I was placed on Zoloft for depression when I broke down in the doctor's office (with the nurses because Dr. E left the room as though I was not upset at all). I stopped taking it after about a month because it made me sleep all the time. I did notice after the first couple of weeks my appetite was more normal than it had ever been.

Then on the followup visit I was placed on Lexapro--I took it for only a couple of days because any time I ate even a small amount it made me nauseous. Ew.

I don't like the idea of a pill to fix my brain. But, then I also don't like the fact that I weigh twice what I should and feel bad because of it.

And, I can HONESTLY say it is 99% about FEELING good not looking good when I say I need to lose weight. I feel awesome at around 160 or 165--a weight still on the very heavy side for someone my height. At nearly 200 I just feel .....well, yuck.

And, I don't consider myself one of those icky lazy people. I keep an immaculate house, don't take breaks most of the time at work, I walk quickly everywhere I go. But...BUT I don't get out and exercise enough, I know that.

I feel like I'm making excuses for myself--if I say I'm going to walk I say I can't because of (fill in blank); pilates? the dvd is boring or I ate just a bit ago or I'm tired. Bah!

This is going nowhere.

But I keep remembering CA when I had that awesome doctor to push me and put me on new diabetes meds and the awesome aerobic workouts on TV every morning at 7 a.m. and how I got in shape because I wanted to feel good. And, I did, and I felt great. (sigh)

But I'm sitting on my butt in this uncomfortable chair for about the 6th hour today----think I'll play loud music and jump around. Maybe Green Day?? empty house too heh....